I'm so much hurt internally but i still appear strong..It takes a long tyme to heal my broken heart..The pain is unbearable..

Skool.....

Well, as for now we need to get readi for our event at skool on 30th July 2010....haix....still haven't revise POM unit 1 to 6 again..Unit 7 & 8, i still nid to prepare notes...And i'm doin EOP notes again...I'm not tat used to mindmap..all these while i studied using point form..i do use mindmap but onli for chapters that require short notes bcoz i can't memorise so many details on mindmap unless in point form..Different ppl study diff way ryte..Lucky for me,i finished my LIFESKILL project...Left onli ETP project,then finally i can concentrate on more THEORY...Skool started as usual..I do miss CLEMENTI...Reali do....Alwaes got disturbed by guyz in the new skool whenever u walk alone..Can't kip their eyes off gerls...haix...

M.L....

The gerls asked me out next Wed to club..I told them i can't coz i'm skooling the next day...Sure mom will not agree if i go home late...Well,the gerls wanted to do pit on my b'dae...But,bcoz i told them i will be cumg late coz going out with my guy first,they postponed it to 7 AUG....Aniwae, Ika pkcik's b'dae is 2mrw....Da tua pon kawan aku nie.....hahahaha!!!!aniwae,hope ur relationship with Azmi last long...Kahwin siang eh...nk kne kahwin sblom aku nie sbb mambang kau ader tua sikit...lols....Lucky for tis year eh kau cabot dari kne sabo ngn kiter...she's going out 2mrw wit AZMI so she's not cumg down aniwae...Yesterdae,lpk wit them...all came down except zura and Ira...Huda alwaes talk nonsense and make us laugh...all the dirty things...kecoh sia...had an awesome tyme wit them...

But, ayn seems to change alot...She seems sensitive nowadays...I'm not sure why...Ayn,if u have problem,cum and approach me aite...You seems different from urself...You used to take jokes but now u get so easily mad...Juz tell me if sumting troubling u or make you change ur mood aite...Huda is alwaes hepi...Ika pkcik said," shipment uh tu..sbb tu hepi semacam"....lols...

LYFE.....

 So many things happen lately, the pain tat i'm goin tru is unbearable....Too busy tat i cudn't spend tyme updating my blog since the last update. Well,currently ur fren here waiting for her theory test and goin tru Prac 5...Haix,i reali nid to pass quickly...well,yesterdae lpk wit all of them..alin was so hepi and hyperactive,kip o disturbing ppl here and there...i asked hym,"kau ape hal nie,hepi sgt?salah mkn ubat pe sia?"...alin replied,"smlm dpt dok,sbb tu hepi"...i said,"sial je kau.."...then,he replied,"tgk ika pkcik,lagi hepi,senyum je"...then,Ika pkcik replied,"smlm dapt sia, giler babi nyer...tgk nie(pointing to her boyfren face), dier dpt smlm tu ngn aku,sebab tu lebar je senyum dier"...i was like,"sial uh krg,sumer hepi semcm,prangai dpt semalam sak.."...lols...

Adi hang out yesterdae after a long tyme didn't saw hym lpk..still remember the tyme i like hym so much tat i try to find his b'dae..Indeed,diana said,eh,b'dae dier 20th Aug la sia.."...Leo jugak...i got to noe frm my gerls recently,"kau tahu tk adi nmpk cm gitu.kwn aku knal dier,kwn aku ckp dier jiwang giler babi nyer sia..gembeng nyer sia...nmpk je hemsem manis gitu.."..i replied,"serious??bgosla tu..tu menunjukkn dier nyer org soft-hearted"...I realise yesterdae,wen i sat beside ika pkcik,taking a glance at hym,he was staring at me...tk dinafikan mmg dier cute..dun believe,search for malaysian actor name faisal,siti nordiana's ex husband...his face even gud-looking than tat..hahah...Nvm,he was my crush...so,all left now he is onli my eyecandy...i'm attached wit my love aniwae...

Aniwae,I reali wanna go KARAOKE....Its where i shud go to release my pain...Singing is the onli fav thing...I wish to sing the songs that i alwaes sing...haix...

well,how shud i start tis??Some ppl are not satisfied tat i wrote in my blog my boyfie is still virgin...well,if he lies to me,then,tats his problem wit me,nuting has got to do wit anybody...He's not a virgin?Does tat troubles u at all?? i dun give a fuck care & i still accept hym. who are you to judge hym?? i noe bout all his past,i accepted his flaws n past..so,dun ever tink tat 'm ditching hym bcoz of tat particular thing...

Yesterdae, sat wit a fren and told her bout iti nearly cried.." Aku tak tahu ape nk uat sak..Biler aku dapat tahu, aku tersentak sak,terdudok sak pat atas kerusi....Kau imagine slamer 4 bulan, aku letak trust aku pat org...kau tahu tk mlm tu biler aku tahu,saket giler sak ati aku..i dun even noe who to turn to...Sbb org yg aku paling trust sendiri yg uat aku gitu..aku termenung,tk tido smpai pagi sak,menangis migrain...dier btol2 bunuh aku sak...selamer 19 tahun aku hidop,aku tk pnah rase saket mcm gini...mcm kne rentap sak hati aku...smpai skrg sak ati aku maseh sakit...abg aku yg kne tangkap masok penjara ungu sentence pon tk terok gini sak...dier manusia pertama sak uat jantung aku jatuh gitu...how do u expect me to forget bout all tat incident? aku tkder org nk mengadu kau tahu tk....rase dier mcm seorang suami jatuhkn talak pat isteri dier dengan tkder salah pape kau tahu tk...aku pandang dier cm laki aku sak sbb tu aku terima dier..lau aku treat dier mcm matair aku,da lamer aku tglkn dier ikot prangai aku dulu,lompat pat jantan laen..ntah,aku mmg da baek ngn dier tapi hati aku maseh saket,maseh teringatkn sumer incident tu..aku senyum2,tapi pat dlm hati aku saket sak menangis"...she replied," lau dier blg kau siang2,tk semestinyer kau tk terima dier pe,bleh consider sak...lau aku pon,saket sak org tipu aku selamer aku ngn dier...Org yg selamer nie kau harap2,rupanyer terbalik sak,maner tk saket ati...be strong gerl,kuatkn semangat,aku phm..".....If i can accept aideel,why can't i accet hym?? but,the pain is unbearable bcoz the guy u trusted so much lied to you...For years,i wasn't att bcoz the reason is,i can easily noe if guyz lied to me...Tats y i dun risk myself to be attached..Onli one guy,i hev told bout tis n it was Fyan...Honesty is the werd i can never find in any guy i ever knew for 19 years...how do u expect me to trust if i hev been goin tru a life like tat?? The feeling is like a husband juz lied to his wife bout sumting so important to her...Maybe its fated for me to go tru a love so pain throughout my whole lyfe...

I'm mad at hym but i still love hym..I cudn't do aniting...Leaving hym is no use too,it won't change aniting aniwae...i told my frens,"aku terima nie ngn hati terbuka,redha ngn sumer yg terjadi..mungkin nie larh dugaan tuhan nk kasi aku,nk uji kesabaran aku...Malang naseb aku selame nie"...I noe he tries to gain my trust back...he said,there won't be any lies after tis...Though i try to trust hym,there is still insecurities in me...N tats why i'm alwaes insecure since the dae i was wit hym...My instinct nvr lies...My dream cam tru,my insecurities came true...I was ryte...

Sumtimes i feel,wenever i'm needed,then he wud find me...perhaps its just my insecurities but its not wrong ryte to tink negative...He asked me to tink positive before but in the end the outcome was negative...Ayeesha once said,"ala laki,blom dpt sume sweet talk,24 jam kol kau,msg kau,da dpt kau tgk prangai dier.."

MAMA alwaes said,"no matter how u love sumone,never to risk ur pride..its sumting tat ppl cannot buy.."I admit mama is fierce n my frens are afraid of her,saying tat rabak pe mak kau.but,todae i learnt without her nagging,without her controlling me n without her priceless advice,i wud hev alreadi gone astray...I told my sis,"aku bangga mama didik kiter ngn betol..Ingat mairah,mcm aner kau sayang org tu pon,jgn sekali-kali kau serahkn maruah kau pat dier"..

I reali nid tyme to heal my heart....Tats the reason why i dun wan to get attached..Ika bk told me to move on..But,i told her,"tk bolehla..aku nyer org cpt patah hati..skali org saketkn ati aku,it will take tyme to heal it.."...That was the reason why..but,ika bk told me,nah not all guyz are the same..there are till honest n sincere guyz out there..kau jgn takot la..can u plz for once put trust on them?"...I did.I move on. But, i end up broken-hearted too..tat was the risk tat i forced myself to take...I got nuting to fall back now...To turn back is to cry for my own decision..I made tat decision.I chose my lovepath.I got nobody to blamexcept for myself.I made a step,i hev to go tru a thousands steps infrnt of me.I'm a woman of my werds n i won't turn back on my decision..

Wat makes you different from other lovers??I tell u how to be one in a million in his eyes..

Care for hym like a mother care for his child & love hym like a wife love her husband....

I smile outside but i sobbed inside,

I laugh outside but i cried inside,

I'm strong outside but i'm weak inside,

I'm alive outside but I died inside...

I still remember wat adelyn said,"kau jgn risau aisah...Aku percaye dier baek untuk kau..Jgn takot he will make u hepi..lau tk,jage dier,aku ngn an kejekan dier"...Like a sister she is...

I recall wat he ever said to me before we were together," i promise i will make u hepi from now on...I will never let u cry..I will alwaes take care of you from now n be with you to go tru everything"...i got migrain nowadays..U not onli lied to me,but u dun realise it,u lied to urself too...

I Yearned for the sweet ayie i used to noe...

I longed for the old gud SHAHRIL i knew...

I can get back the sweet ayie..

But,i cried everydae knowing  i cudn't get back the old good bestfren SHAHRIL bcoz the old gud boy i knew has been stolen by sumone from his past n it will never be the same SHAHRIL i knew wen we first met..

I never regret being with you...I accepted you,it was my choice to be with you..it was my choice to live wit you..it was my choice to put trust on you...

So, if i regret,i onli hev myself to be blamed,not anybody...If u hurt me,i'm onli left myself to be blame bcoz i chose you...I love you without asking to be loved so much in return...I care for you tat i forgot to actuali love and care myself...I hope you understand how i need to hev faith in myself to trust you back again bcoz though i smile,i'm still hurt inside...

* Perhaps, One Dae when you woke up,

then you will realise.

When I'm gone,

Then you will feel

How I actuali appear to be 

so calm,patient & strong

eventhough i was so hurt inside..